Something Beautiful presents Deny This with Furious Ric

Metal Christmas Music
As I'm sure you're all aware, the holiday season has fully entrenched itself in our lives. If you're like me, you're not the biggest fan of the holiday season. There's a reason I don't see most of my family throughout the year, and I don't think I should have to change my ways for a holiday. To quote King Diamond, "Christmas time is here again, Santa needs a helping hand." Well, I'm arguing that we metalheads need a helping hand. Am I the only one who has noticed the shocking lack of "heavy" Christmas songs. I'm really going to have to stretch at times, which is why I didn't just say heavy metal Christmas songs. In reality there are only two metal Christmas songs. They are "No Presents For Christmas" by King Diamond, and of course, "Christmas With The Devil" by Spinal Tap. I actually went searching for Christmas music this year, and aside from your "traditional" holiday songs I was able to find a multitude of pop and even rap Christmas alubms. That's right, there are numerous rap Christmas ALBUMS, but we metalheads get left out in the cold. No pun intended because remember, puns are lazy writing...jerk. Anyway, back in the 80s RUN DMC released "Christmas in Hollis," and in the 90s even Death Row Records released a Christmas album. What do we get? Nothing. Heavy metal Santa Claus has done little but leave audio coal in our stockings for far too long. Now, when I say heavy Christmas songs I don't mean traditional Christmas songs done in a heavy metal way. I'm talking about actual metal songs about Christmas. As I mentioned earlier, Spinal Tap's "Christmas With The Devil" addresses this perfectly. The elves are dressed in leather, and the angels are in chains, Christmas with the devil. The sugar plums are rancid, and the stockings are in flames, Christmas wtih the devil. There's a demon in my belly and a gremlin in my brain, There's someone up the chimney hole, and Satan is his name. It doesn't get any more metal than that, and in my opinion it doesn't get any more Christmas than that. I think deep down we'd all like to get into some kind of Christmas spirit. Why shouldn't we get to listen to music that we like while we do it? Sure, if you want to not limit yourself to metal you could listen to punk rock legends Fear with their lovely song "Fuck Christmas." I'm not trying to channel the Grinch here though. All I'm asking for is Christmas music I'd actually enjoy listening to. Well, King Diamond attempted to fill that void. According to iTunes, "Soon after Mercyful Fate dissolved, King Diamond recorded what has to be considered the first satanic heavy metal Christmas song." That was in 1985. What have we gotten since? Very little. In fact, in my search for heavy metal Christmas music I became disgusted with some of the artists I truly enjoy. I managed to stumble across an album titled, "We Wish You A Metal X-Mas...and a Headbanging New Year!" This, of course, is not to be confused with the album "Metal Axemas." First off, I should address whoever titled those albums. Whoever this person is deserves to have a stroke on Christmas morning and fall into the Christmas tree while their down-syndrome looking children stare blankly at the scene. Secondly, these aren't actual metal songs. They're just "traditional" Christmas songs as performed by metal and hard rock artists. I don't need a version of "Silent Night" as sung by Chuck Billy or "Silver Bells" as interpreted by Geoff Tate. Also, I could have gone by entire life without hearing Dio sing "God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman." My only hope is that they told these guys they would be paid in "snow," and after recording they were given actual snow. Not coke, but snow...like the kind you find on the streets of Chicago on a day like today. What a bunch of assholes. As I continued my search I stumbled across something called "A Twisted Christmas." As if the album I just mentioned before wasn't bad enough, now we have Twisted Sister doing an entire album of Christmas songs. The worst offender among this bunch would have to be their version of the 12 Days of Christmas. Of course, it's the 12 metal days of Christmas which are as follows: 12 silver crosses 11 black mascaras 10 pairs of platforms 9 tattered t-shirts 8 pentagrams 7 leather jackets 6 cans of hairspray 5 skullhead rings 4 quarts of Jack 3 studded belts 2 pairs of spandex And a tattoo of Ozzy I'll tell you this. If I was married and my wife decided to "celebrate" the 12 days of Christmas in a fashion such as this then I would go for a nice relaxing fishing trip, just like Scott Petersen did one Christmas Eve. I don't know what's worse, the fact that this album exists...or the fact they Twisted Sister ended up making a live album of this abortion. It's not even all of the songs from the studio version of the album. It's basically one of the Christmas songs, followed by an old school TS song, and then another Christmas song. Once again, this is an abortion. On a side note, here in Illinois Planned Parenthood is now offering gift certificates...the perfect Christmas gift if you ask me. This is going to be the last year I give this a chance. If I can't find some more metal Christmas songs by next year I'm giving up on Christmas altogether. I'm going to take the advice of the great Ron Bennington and just celebrate Winter Carnival. Winter Carnival is great. It's exactly like Christmas, but without any of the religious bullshit. Winter Carnival just celebrates all of the commercial aspects of Christmas. Instead of Santa Claus, we have Generous Gary. It really is the wave of the future. Maybe if I've been a good boy this year, Generous Gary will bring me a new metal Christmas song.

As I'm sure you're all aware, the holiday season has fully entrenched itself in our lives. If you're like me, you're not the biggest fan of the holiday season. There's a reason I don't see most of my family throughout the year, and I don't think I should have to change my ways for a holiday. To quote King Diamond, "Christmas time is here again, Santa needs a helping hand." Well, I'm arguing that we metalheads need a helping hand. Am I the only one who has noticed the shocking lack of "heavy" Christmas songs. I'm really going to have to stretch at times, which is why I didn't just say heavy metal Christmas songs. In reality there are only two metal Christmas songs. They are "No Presents For Christmas" by King Diamond, and of course, "Christmas With The Devil" by Spinal Tap.

I actually went searching for Christmas music this year, and aside from your "traditional" holiday songs I was able to find a multitude of pop and even rap Christmas alubms. That's right, there are numerous rap Christmas ALBUMS, but we metalheads get left out in the cold. No pun intended because remember, puns are lazy writing...jerk. Anyway, back in the 80s RUN DMC released "Christmas in Hollis," and in the 90s even Death Row Records released a Christmas album. What do we get? Nothing. Heavy metal Santa Claus has done little but leave audio coal in our stockings for far too long.

Now, when I say heavy Christmas songs I don't mean traditional Christmas songs done in a heavy metal way. I'm talking about actual metal songs about Christmas. As I mentioned earlier, Spinal Tap's "Christmas With The Devil" addresses this perfectly.

The elves are dressed in leather, and the angels are in chains,

Christmas with the devil.

The sugar plums are rancid, and the stockings are in flames,

Christmas wtih the devil.

There's a demon in my belly and a gremlin in my brain,

There's someone up the chimney hole, and Satan is his name.

It doesn't get any more metal than that, and in my opinion it doesn't get any more Christmas than that. I think deep down we'd all like to get into some kind of Christmas spirit. Why shouldn't we get to listen to music that we like while we do it? Sure, if you want to not limit yourself to metal you could listen to punk rock legends Fear with their lovely song "Fuck Christmas." I'm not trying to channel the Grinch here though. All I'm asking for is Christmas music I'd actually enjoy listening to.

Well, King Diamond attempted to fill that void. According to iTunes, "Soon after Mercyful Fate dissolved, King Diamond recorded what has to be considered the first satanic heavy metal Christmas song." That was in 1985. What have we gotten since? Very little. In fact, in my search for heavy metal Christmas music I became disgusted with some of the artists I truly enjoy. I managed to stumble across an album titled, "We Wish You A Metal X-Mas...and a Headbanging New Year!" This, of course, is not to be confused with the album "Metal Axemas." First off, I should address whoever titled those albums. Whoever this person is deserves to have a stroke on Christmas morning and fall into the Christmas tree while their down-syndrome looking children stare blankly at the scene. Secondly, these aren't actual metal songs. They're just "traditional" Christmas songs as performed by metal and hard rock artists. I don't need a version of "Silent Night" as sung by Chuck Billy or "Silver Bells" as interpreted by Geoff Tate. Also, I could have gone by entire life without hearing Dio sing "God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman." My only hope is that they told these guys they would be paid in "snow," and after recording they were given actual snow. Not coke, but snow...like the kind you find on the streets of Chicago on a day like today. What a bunch of assholes.

As I continued my search I stumbled across something called "A Twisted Christmas." As if the album I just mentioned before wasn't bad enough, now we have Twisted Sister doing an entire album of Christmas songs. The worst offender among this bunch would have to be their version of the 12 Days of Christmas. Of course, it's the 12 metal days of Christmas which are as follows:

12 silver crosses

11 black mascaras

10 pairs of platforms

9 tattered t-shirts

8 pentagrams

7 leather jackets

6 cans of hairspray

5 skullhead rings

4 quarts of Jack

3 studded belts

2 pairs of spandex

And a tattoo of Ozzy

I'll tell you this. If I was married and my wife decided to "celebrate" the 12 days of Christmas in a fashion such as this then I would go for a nice relaxing fishing trip, just like Scott Petersen did one Christmas Eve. I don't know what's worse, the fact that this album exists...or the fact they Twisted Sister ended up making a live album of this abortion. It's not even all of the songs from the studio version of the album. It's basically one of the Christmas songs, followed by an old school TS song, and then another Christmas song. Once again, this is an abortion.

On a side note, here in Illinois Planned Parenthood is now offering gift certificates...the perfect Christmas gift if you ask me.

This is going to be the last year I give this a chance. If I can't find some more metal Christmas songs by next year I'm giving up on Christmas altogether. I'm going to take the advice of the great Ron Bennington and just celebrate Winter Carnival. Winter Carnival is great. It's exactly like Christmas, but without any of the religious bullshit. Winter Carnival just celebrates all of the commercial aspects of Christmas. Instead of Santa Claus, we have Generous Gary. It really is the wave of the future. Maybe if I've been a good boy this year, Generous Gary will bring me a new metal Christmas song.